My Mental Mayhem...

Tap tap tap

Ignite

Inhale

Breathe in and hold…

My mind drifts like the smoke I exhale

Steel bars lock tight around my thoughts

I’m trapped inside of a mental jail cell with nothing but a fog of my constant array of thoughts.

Six by eight by six is the dimensions of this box in which I can not escape.

The walls are not padded. I don’t even know if they are truly there as I stare and search for a way out.

The cloud of gray, so dense I can’t see within six inches in front of me.

I try and make my way to an exit, hoping there is one, finding that there is none in sight.

My release is not coming tonight due to the constant fight I am taking part in with myself.

No one knows I am locked away trying to get out for they don’t know that I am trapped.

Trapped inside of my own thoughts and fears and endless night mares.

Scared to death that the future for me will never be seen.

The fog gets thicker as the thoughts grow deeper from the problems getting more intense.

The suspense of what is to happen next kills a part of me everyday eating away at my very soul.

Who can I confide in? Who am I to talk to?

No one knows what it is that I go to war with as I fight and seemingly lose every battle that I have fought against my conscious and unconscious mind.

I take a step forward just to notice I’m getting knocked four steps behind.

I take another hit just to try and unwind but at what cost?

The problems are still there when I come back to reality haunting me daily.

The fog keeps building.

Just when I think I’ve found the exit, I lose my way and I’m stuck again in the same position in which I came in.

I start to question things that shouldn’t even be questioned.

Who am I? Am I important? Am I dead inside and have yet to notice it? Have I been a walking zombie feeding on the brainless thoughts and problems of others just to feel significant?

The pace of my heart quickens as I think this.

I smile to hide the pain…..ha…..how cliché.

But behind all the smiling and advice I give to others, what I really wanna say is…

SHUT….

THE FUCK….

UP!

I can’t take it any longer.

I’m helping you all with your issues but dammit I have my own problems!

But I can’t say that…….I can’t.

So I randomly rant on twitter about meaningless things that irk me as a way of venting.

But yet…….it gets me no where.

I’m still stuck here in this six by eight by six wondering if I truly exist.

I feel the flesh of my body……..I seem to be real. But to what extent?

To who’s reality? I don’t even know if I am here anymore so who else notices me?

The guy who wants some pussy…..haha yea he can see me.

The girl looking for some free advice just to take it and live her life.

Sucking out my very being by using me as a personal shrink free of payment. Yea……..she sees me.

How about the group of people who knows that I know someone who can get them in a club or something of that nature.

Yea……..they see me also.

Wait……..

I take that back.

They only see what they can get from me. I laugh as I inhale again.

Shaking my head at those who claim to be friends.

The ones who take advantage of favors asked but can’t keep a secret unless it will save their ass.

Damn……..I’m rambling.

My thought process is scrambling.

Focus…….

I can’t……..

It’s just who and how I am.

I’m the one who they come to when they have an issue.

Handing out free advice and tissues without even a simple thank you.

I’m the one who takes on burden after burden for those I love so they aren’t hurting like I am.

Because I am…….

Hurting.

Burning in this hell of a mental jail cell.

No escape route to escape out.

So I take on what I can and sometimes can not handle all for the sake of the people I love not to feel the internal pain that I am plagued with.

To be the one they run to.

But when it comes to my needing them, what do they do?

Nothing…….

But its cool. I’m not really here anyway…….

I got to know him in a week.

I fell in love in a month.

He was mine for a year.

Never cried so many tears until he left me.

To forget him, he begged me.

But…how could I?

I didn’t now life until I looked into his eyes.

So….

How can those same eyes cut through my soul with so much hate?

What did I do wrong?

Did I not love him enough?

A sea of tears flooding my face as my mind races to come to a conclusion.

I’m not understanding.

Was the love he said he felt for me all an illusion? Because…..because it felt real.

He……felt real.

Numbness now coursing through my veins as I wipe my tear stained eyes.

Those tears….now absorbing into the flesh of my chest, surrounding the organ that pumps life into me.

It freezes over.

So cold.

My heart…..

So cold.